Artemis Fowl and the Time Lord!
by Heiki koboi
Summary: A crossover of Artemis Fowl and Doctor who. Artemis manages to get the TARDIS to land in his garden, so Artemis can ask some questions. But then Number 1 comes along, possest by the Midnight creature. Quantum Zomies are their bodys, and they're getting AF
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: ****This is a really weird Doctor who and Artemis Fowl crossover. But don't forget to **_**REVIEW. **_**(don't be too harsh, this is my first FF.**

**Chapter 1: The time lord.**

**Fowl Manor, 8:00am.**

"OK mud boy, you better have a good reason for calling me here on such urgency in the middle of the night." said Holly.

"I just want to know what took you so long, Holly. I called you at 3:00am. And yes, I have a good reason for calling you here. As a matter of fact, I have discovered a whole new species." Artemis said smugly.

Holly put a hand on Artemis's shoulder, "Are they fond of gold? Are you going to kidnap a lady for ransom?''

Artemis got up from his study chair and went to the door.

"Oh come on Arty, will you relax? Sit down and learn to take a joke." Holly called after him.

Artemis sat back down the way a small child would go to the naughty step.

"What's this big plan Arty?"

"A new species Holly, from a distant planet Gallifrey. You may have heard of it."

"Yes, as a matter of fact Foaly did some research on it. But there are billions of species out there, why research them. Anyway, I hate to burst your bubble, but Time Lords went extinct in the great time war against the Daleks. I should know Fairies helped fight it. Sorry Artemis." Holly said.

"That is where you are wrong Holly, one remains. _The Doctor_, he calls himself. If the world heard his name the universe would explode. And it just so happens I know how to find him. Just to ask a few questions."

"Artemis, you wanted to go back in time to get a lemur, look how that turned out. But a time lord? Artemis Fowl this is the umpteenth time I've had serious doubts about are friendship. How can it be done?"

"Please Holly, can you just trust me?"

"Why did I tell you to keep in touch? Of course I'll do it, just make it easy."

Artemis smiled. "Follow me, Captain Short."

**Fowl Manor gardens, near a small pond.**

Artemis Fowl had set up a triangle set of poles with umpteen wires, he had positioned himself behind a huge control panel several metres away, and Holly was half a mile away; dressed in civilian clothes. Artemis pressed a big red button; he had learnt to let his child-like self out in little bursts. Seconds later a TARDIS was landing, Artemis closed his eyes and listened to the sound, it was music. The TARDIS landed back to Artemis. The door swung open, and the doctor's head poked out. Holly's queue to scream, the doctor ran out. Artemis ran in. That was about the hardest thing for him. Artemis seated himself and waited.

Holly screamed as she had been told to, and a few moments later the doctor came to her and said, "Are you OK?" in Gnommish. "What happened Elf? Shouldn't you be shielded?"

"I've got no magic! Please God help me! Whatever that thing was I'm sure it wants to kill me! HELP ME!"

"OK, calm down. What's your name?"

"H-Holly."

"OK Holly, I can get in touch with the LEP from my ship. Just get home. Get to E1. I've got to go." The Doctor ran off to the TARDIS.

**The TARDIS.**

The doctor ran into the TARDIS, only to see a skinny boy with vampire white skin and mismatched eyes studying the TARDIS.

"—extraordinary, it appears to be living, with coral like growths. It even has a heart." said the boy.

"It is," said the doctor. "But more to the point who are you and what are you doing in my TARDIS? You're not even shocked!"

Holly shielded and put her LEP uniform back on and hosted her weaponry. She went into the TARDIS.

Artemis said, "Well because the principle of it is easy to grasp. The inside is bigger because it's in a different dimension. You're the last time lord of Gallifrey, The doctor. No one knows about the aliens."

"What? Big spaceship crashing into big Ben?"

"My house was time stopped."

"Spaceship over London?"

"I was in the Artic circle."

"The Thames being drained?"

"I was with Jon Spiro."

"A replica of the titanic nearly was crashing into Buckingham place?"

"Underground with an insane Pixie."

"The 200 bus disappearing and monsters coming through?"

"Hybras. You know the story."

"Everyone on Earth turning into the master?"

"I used Demons to go eight years back in time to obtain a silky furred lemur."

"Right…so you missed every single alien occurrence? You're worse than Donna."

Artemis grinned, "I've been busy."

"Hang on, only the LEP can do a time stop. They have mind wipes too."

"I used my good friend Holly Short, I just wanted to ask some questions.''

The doctor put on his 3D glasses and looked towards the entrance. It was Holly, but she wore a section eight suit, and she was shielded; another use for the glasses. She also had a time aura around her, so did the boy. This was bad, the understatement of whatever centaury the doctor was in.

"What is going on with you two?" asked the doctor.

"A simple trick, Doctor, my good friend Holly Short helped me get into your TARDIS, you should always close the door. Why do you think I have unbreakable locks? But don't worry; I am just Artemis Fowl, childhood gen—"

"Mud boy? Do you mind hurrying up? Everyone in the universe knows you're a genius with 200 plus on the IQ rating." Holly interrupted.

"Yes, I am the cleverest person in the room...or TARDIS." Artemis said.

"No, I don't think you are." The doctor said.

"I am, no one is cleverer than I, not even Opal Koboi."

"Artemis, I'm a time lord, I can see all of time. I know everything ever worth knowing; except if anything big happened on a Sunday."

"Yes, I heard of your mess ups, Doctor, I could do so much better. I beat Jon Spiro."

"I know pi to its limit."

"So do I." Said Artemis, like the doctor insulted him, which he had.

Holly got bored for the next ten minutes hearing the two genius's voices saying numbers in perfect synchronization. She decided to phone Foaly, and put the phone on loudspeaker...

**Underground, Op's **

Foaly got a call from Holly. Over the shouting of numbers he heard Holly's annoyed voice, "Foaly, I've got a problem…you know Artemis called me in the middle of the night…"

"Morning actually, but don't let me stop you. What crazy scheme has he got up to? Should I be surprised?"

"Yes, he's found a time lord!"

"The Doctor!?!"

"How does everyone know him? Whoever it is can you stop them with the pi?"

"Pie?"

"No! The number, they're arguing who's the cleverest. Can you shut them up?"

"OK, put me on loudspeaker."

Holly did so, and Foaly said,

"Oi! Stop your arguing! Listen to me; we ALL know I'm the cleverest. So shut up!"

Holly sighed, she left the TARDIS, (not to mention her phone) and got her pistol and shot a daisy. A few terrified bugs ran away, cursing. She said Sorry embarrassed.

She saw N°1 appearing from nowhere; just looking at him could cheer you up; especially because he was wearing his discuses.

"Hey, N°1. What are you doing here?"

"Move Holly, now." N°1's voice was cold.

Holly walked away feeling rejected by all her friends (and out of the few she had, N°1 was the nicest).

After a few paces she heard a noise. I t was only recognisable from when Foaly did his research on time lords. The sound of…

Holly swung around, only to see the TARDIS was gone. Holly screamed N°1's name but he was also gone. Holly reached for her phone, but it was still arguing on th4e TARDIS.

"I can stop time, and I'm the only one ever who can do it without a magical TARDIS!" shouted Foaly.

"I can plot against genii. I am a rogue, the only one of my kind." Artemis said boldly.

"I can plot against monsters, even the weeping angels. I am the best plotter." The doctor said.

"But—" began Foaly, then the TARDIS jolted and the time rotor moved up and down like a slowly moving piston.

"HOLLY!" screamed Artemis in rage and despair before any sound was drowned out. Then the doctor saw an Imp on the scanner, holding to the outside of the TARDIS. This told him two things before they were flung to the floor. One, it was a warlock. Two, warlocks went extinct 10,000 years ago so it couldn't be. The air –and the limo—told him it was the 21st century, this really didn't make sense.

"N°1!" yelled Foaly, trying to keep the shreads of sanity. It wasn't working. How could this be happening…check that, the mud boy had done remarcible things. But Foaly was mostly sulking because it was Artemis Fowl who had found the time lord, not him. Foaly could imgine the abuse he would get for this.

**Fowl manor.**

"ARTEMIS!" screamed Holly. She ran to where the TARDIS had been. She ran over a tried to feel for it, like it should be there and it never disappeared. She opened and closed her eyes over and over waiting for the TARDIS to magically appear, obviously, it did not. Holly screamed at the top of her lungs. Then she remembered Artemis's parents were upstairs on a higher floor. They looked out of the window, and saw the cones, Holly, and burned grass.

"Arty's been up to his experiments again.'' said Artemis Fowl senior, pointlessly.

"Who's that?'' said Artemis's mother.

"You,'' shouted Artemis Fowl senior, "who are you?''

Holly swung around-her eyes were brimming with tears- and Artemis's mother gasped, "Holly!"

Artemis's parents ran down the stairs and into the garden. "Holly dear," said Artemis's mother, "You look terrible, what happened?''

Holly explained. It was fortunate Artemis's parents had been told of Artemis's plots after he went back in time (minus the kiss).

"Time lords?'' said Artemis's mother, shocked.

"Please tell me Arty isn't up to it again…" Artemis senior went a brighter shade of white.

Holly briefly smiled, and then realized he wasn't joking. "No," she said. "But I left my section eight phone on there, and Foaly's on the line; so that's three genius's. They should be OK." Holly said it, but didn't believe it.

"Why was Foaly on the line?" asked Artemis's mother.

"Oh…well Artemis and the doctor-the time lord's name-were arguing over who's more intelligent, they're both genius's. So they'd been saying pi for ten minutes. I called Foaly because I asked him to shut arty and the doctor up; but Foaly got involved. So I left them…and, I saw N˚1,'' holly scrunched up her face, trying to work events out. "He didn't say hi back to me I…shot a daisy….'' Holly's face was so red it could have been Julius's. "Sorry, but then I heard the TAR—his ship, and I looked around and Ar—they weren't there.''

"Oh," said Artemis senior, pretty much summing up the events, and all the answers to Artemis's theories.

"Do you have I phone? When we were dealing with Jon Spiro Artemis used it to ping us, I'll show you.'' Holly said, biting her lip.

**TARDIS, somewhere or other, (most likely other.)**

The TARDIS crash landed with parts sticking out and bits on fire. The doctor leapt up grabbed the fire extinguisher, and put out the flames; he got a hammer and banged the sticky-outy bits of the TARDIS into place.

"Very technical." Artemis muttered, sitting up.

"It is actually, I got this hammer from Rexel two." The doctor said.

"D'Arvit!" said Artemis, then he thanked the first elfin king for the TARDIS having a swear filter.

Foaly said, "I don't like the look of that."

Artemis realized the phone Foaly had dropped somewhere.

"What don't you like the look of?'' the doctor asked.

"That Agatha Christie novel, I read it, it sucks." Foaly said.

Artemis picked up Holly's phone with small Gnomish buttons.

"How helpful, Foaly. Not the most intelligent thing you've said, but a helpful statement. But from now on this assessment shall be conducted by those with brains larger than a grape."

"If that was a donkey joke then I can I say how inaccurate it is." Said Foaly.

"Oh no. No. No. No." said the doctor, "That's not fair!"

"What is it?" asked Artemis and Foaly in perfect synchronisation.

"Midnight." Said the doctor.

"No," said Artemis. "It's 10:00 o'clock."

The doctor rolled his eyes, "The planet midnight! I barely know anything of it. But the last time I was here it was…bad."

"The planet midnight? Barely know it? The last time you were here it was bad?" said Foaly.

"Don't. Foaly, just don't." said the doctor, "Come with me."

The doctor led them to a library, on the 569th floor of the TARDIS next to the wardrobe. "The library!" the doctor announced. "Luckily there's no Vashta Nerada."

"As much as I love libraries, why are we here?" Artemis said.

"There's a book on Midnight. Under 'M'…or 'D' for diamond planets…or 'B' for bad bus trips…or 'J' for jewels…or 'C' for closed planets…or 'I' for invisible creatures…or 'L' for light…come to think about it I should make a filing system." The doctor said.

"If I get a spare weekend I'll do one for you. But if you don't know what it looks like?" Artemis said, organizing books was his Saturday night entertainment.

"Ooo…" said the doctor, "About three inches—no, five—eight—two—well I don't know how big it is, but it's blue—red—orange—violet—white—black—something dark…or light."

"So we have every book in the universe to look through to get one book we don't even know how it looks. Are you serious?" Artemis said.

"Yes. The three of us looking."

"How do I look?" asked Foaly.

"Make that the two of us. First one to find it is more intelligent?" said the doctor.

"Done." said Fowl, a vampire smile spreading on his face. He dropped the phone and him and the doctor ran off.

Artemis browsed on his fifteenth shelf; he was about halfway through 'F'. He saw a book that caught his eye. Or more correctly, books. There were six main ones: Artemis Fowl, Artemis Fowl and the Artic Incident, Artemis Fowl and the Eternity Code, Artemis Fowl and the Opal Deception, Artemis Fowl and the lost Colony, Artemis Fowl and the time paradox. The he saw one after it a thousand pages long, Artemis Fowl's life. He slowly reached out a hand when another hand held him back.

"Spoilers," said the doctor, walking away.

Eventually the doctor and Artemis were on the same shelf, both determined to find it. They were on 'Q'.

"Found it!" they both cried. And they both grabbed the book.

The doctor slipped it from Artemis's hands, Artemis never did get round to that muscle building.

They walked back to Foaly who had used the fairy equivalent of youtube to get the pizza song blaring.

_Pizza, Pizza,_

_Fill up your face,_

_The thicker the pastry_

_The better the base!_

_Pizza, Pizza,_

_In my tummy,_

_Tasty and cheesy,_

_Until it comes out my bummy!_

Foaly will deny secretly liking the song, but he was singing along like a drunken octopus (If, like most fairies, you have seen how comical that is you'll understand).

The doctor cleared his throat, "I know that comes number one in _the world's worse songs40809ad. _But we have bigger problems."

Foaly fumbled his keyboard and pressed FnF9, shutting off the music. "It wasn't me, it was Caballine. She was here, and—"

"Lovely, but we can make poor excuses later. What does it say doctor?" Artemis said.

"OK, I already learnt this, but I suppose I should explain," said the doctor. "The midnight creature steals a form, and then that person's gone, dead. But the creature can't move, or speak."

"Mmm, dangerous." muttered Artemis.

The doctor ignored the comment. "It copies every voice it finds, until it gets the most important or cleverest voice. Then it copies the chosen's voice, then speaks at the same time, then becomes ahead of what you're saying; steals your mind."

"Can I retract my last statement?" said Artemis.

"Yes."

"Thank you," said Artemis, "How do we beat it?"

"Not a clue." admitted the doctor. "But it obviously got control of N˚1 and if the TARDIS and N˚1 teamed up, they could turn the universe into Midnight creatures. There is a protocol, but don't activate it. Protocol )(, it…" the doctor explained, and all Artemis can remember thinking was, _all I wanted to do was get a few answers…_and then: _Who am I kidding? Simple and my life don't match._

"So, can we go outside _now_?" Artemis asked, so far he'd put on _miracle sun block_, and a protective suit that came from Gallifrey.

"Yes—but we cannot be long," explained the doctor. "We need to check over N˚1, see what state he's in, and ultimately see if he can be brought back."

"Fun, fun, fun, just all my life, having fun."

**Fowl Manor.**

Holly held her breath and dialled a random number, Disneyland's, it came in her head first.

A robotic answering machine came on. "Hello, press one to…" the voice carried on for minutes, then Holly spoke.

"LEP, Artemis Fowl, mind-wipe, Centaur, Pixie, section eight, Hybras, Opal Koboi."

Then the phone did something beyond weird. "Hello?" said a voice, "We got an emergency call. Something about Opal Koboi."

"Erm…yeah, I was just trying to ping the LEP and I dialled Disneyland by mistake. There's an emergency, though, so can you put me through to the LEP?" holly said.

"You can tell me missy, we'll sort it out for you. Did someone steal a bag, miss?"

Holly fumed. "Look, _sir_, this is Holly Short of the LEP, and if you don't put me through I'm going to come there and rip off your—wait, you are a male aren't you?"

The voice swallowed, "Yes."

"Come there and rip off your—"

The man on the phone loudspeakered the transmission to Foaly, and he got a nice description of what holly would do to his reproduction system.

When Holly had finished Foaly said, "Caballine really wouldn't like that."

"Foaly? Oh thank God! Foaly…" Holly burst into tears. "Foaly, I lost Arty! He…he…I shouldn't have left…I…" that's what she said while she could be understood.

Foaly interrupted her. "Yes I'm fine thanks for asking." Any other day Foaly would have made fun of the 'Arty' but he would save it for later.

Holly sniffed. "What time is it there?"

"It's pizza ti—err… I don't know. But we're on the planet 10 o'clo—Midnight, sorry. My brains frazzled."

"Is arty with you?" asked holly.

"They've gone outside. Listen, I will be at Fowl manor in a hour. We need a meeting." Foaly cut her off and holly hung u the phone.

Holly turned to Mr&Mrs Fowl. "You may want to get the twins away from the house, it's about to become a giant computer."

**Midnight, the planet.**

Artemis and the doctor silently went outside. N˚1 stood motionless. Artemis saw the diamonds. He couldn't help himself from saying, "Are they able to be mined?"

Then he heard "Are they able to be mined?"

That's when they saw the quantum zombies.

"On the count of…" said the doctor.

"On the count of…" repeated the zombies.

"Three run. One, two, and three…"

"Three run. One, two, and three…"

"Go!"

"Go!"

They darted into the TARDIS, and slammed the door.

"That's worse than Beckett's repeating." commented Artemis.

"That was helpful, Artemis. And no, the diamonds can't be mined."


	2. Chapter 2: Mulch change

**Chapter 2: Mulch change.**

**Fowl manor, underground in the garden.**

Mulch Diggems is a Kleptomaniac. He can't help stealing. He is much better now though, he had changed. So to comfort himself he decided to steal from rich people and people who wouldn't call the police.

Today he was hitting Fowl manor, for semimetal reasons (missing mud boy) no pun intended.

He new where to get in, the wine cellar, and he knew where to go. A perfect robbery. Well, it would have been if the underground armada hadn't been waiting for him.

Mulch tunnelled up, and had the wine cellar lock picked in thirty seconds but only because he had stubborn beard hair.

He made his way up the stairs to the main lobby. Only to be greeted by a LEP squad. He froze on the spot, and then realized none of the squad was looking at him. He held his breath, and duct behind a tapestry. He let part of his beard hair poke through a gap, and trusted his hair. His beard hair picked up transmissions looking for something. _For me, _Mulch asked himself, _how could they have known?_

**Fowl manor lobby.**

Mr and Mrs Fowl were in an uncomfortable situation. They knew of what the manor had been through over the years, but they weren't around to see it so they could shrug it off. Not this time. The first shock was seeing Foaly ride through, riding his own body, because that's what Centaurs do. The Fowls had only ever seen Holly, an elf and elves look practically human. Before they could recover from seeing a centaur (which aren't muscled like in books as they suspected) they were faced with the underground armada. Pixies, spirits, Dwarfs, and a few demons; result: two scared parents and a lot of guns, and – unknown to them- a flatulent Dwarf.

Once everything was set up Foaly trotted over to the Fowls.

"All this equipment will help us find where (not to mention when) your son and company have disappeared to"

Artemis senior asked, "But you were on the phone to them, they must have told you, surely?"

"Yes, but we need coordinates to...how should I say, drag them back."

"Explain." said Angeline.

"Weeelll, we basically break down their bodies into atoms and drag them back through a time tunnel. They should make it back, but bits of them could be left behind, or you could end up with the world's first boy/girl human/elf child. But no matter what, we'll get at least 40% of their minds, or – if they're merged together – 50% of their combined minds." Foaly explained.

"Why human/elf?" asked Mr. Fowl.

"Because holly's draggin' 'em back."

"So if there are any complications I could end up with 40% or 25% of a son?" fumed Angeline.

"Sorry, I'm a genius, but go ahead and insult me for something practically impossible!"

The argument would have gone on, but Trouble brought his brother, Grub, over.

"Excuse me, but where is your bathroom?" Trouble asked.

"It's next to my study." said Artemis Fowl senior.

Trouble thanked him, and their voices could be heard from upstairs.

"You shoulda let me go before we left Trub."

"It's an emergency, we couldn't do bathroom breaks! Don't you want to make captain?"

"All I want to make right now is the bathroom before—oh…" Grub said.

"LEP clean ups!" called Trouble.

All the LEP team who hadn't earned their acorns – hence not earning respect – groaned. When were guns going to come into this?

Something chuckled behind the tapestry. The chuckle sounded a lot like Beckett's when he was up to no good.

"Beckett, is that you?" asked Mr Fowl.

No reply. Then Foaly announced,

"We have a problem! Code kitkat!" There is an interesting story to how that code went from code BH20 to code kitkat, but that's another one.

Code kitkat is basically means, "Alien life! Run for your life, and all no-fainted LEP members to stand to attention!"

Then Beckett, wearing only a long top, that thankfully went down to his knees, charged out of nowhere screaming,

"KITKATS! GIMMIE THE KITKATS!"

Beckett, an unsuspecting toddler, somehow managed to get himself on Foaly's back; unaware he wasn't one of the horses, albeit a talking horse.

Whilst Foaly was distracted trying to remove the child without hurting it, Trouble was instructing the squad to the TARDIS outside. What operation KitKat does is only meant to be known by top command. Unfortunately Foaly invented a talking coffee machine that couldn't shut up. Several people ended up in hospital for trying to attack a machine, they also needed several sessions with the therapist. While Foaly was losing 0/4 in a wrestling match against a toddler, holly was with a (not the) doctor (Foaly had noticed signs of depression induced illness).

"Holly," began the gnome doctor. "You seem to be suffering from stress induced heart disorder that balloons the left ventricle, Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy, or broken heart syndrome."

Holly stared at him viciously,

"If you don't get out of my face in the next three seconds you'll be suffering from a fist induced teeth disorder!"

The poor Gnome ran off. A wise choice.

Foaly trotted over.

"Is it bad Hol? Can you still do it?" he asked.

"Of course, it's only…well I only know that the first bit was Japanese for octopus."

"Takotsubo…was it Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy?"

Holly rolled her eyes, "Genius's. Yes it was. But hey, it can't be serious. It'll heal itself up."

"Hmm. Strange, Takotsubo Cardiomyo—"

"Call it heart problem,"

"It's a insult to my intellect to say it but, 'Heart problem' only affects those who have lost a loved one."

Holly gave him a piercing stare that said, _shut up now, or you'll see those teeth on the floor!_

Foaly trotted outside and holly, clutching her chest, followed.

"We can't get into it." Announced one.

"Well aren't they in there?" said another.

"No, weren't you listening? Foaly already scanned her."

"How do you know it's a girl?"

"I don't. We officer guys are just supposed to say that."

"We should check."

"Well does it have—?"

Foaly hastily interrupted, "Any luck?"

"Not a stinkworm." Replied one.

**TARDIS, before it was in Fowl gardens.**

Foaly cleared his throat, "I've had holly on the phone, saying she missed _Arty._"

"What did she say?" Artemis said.

"Well for the first few minutes she was threatening to make me infertile, then she cried about missing _Arty _then I told her I'd be up top in a hour. Then _Arty_ and Holly can have a talk."

"You're teasing about Holly calling me Arty when there's an armada of Quantum Zombies outside?"

"Foaly did a double take, "You—you what? But—wha—?"

The doctor spoke up. "We need to get away from here, someone should—"

The phone went dead.

"—notice we're gone, but until then I have a plan." The doctor continued, unaware that Foaly was cut off.

"What do you mean?" asked Artemis. "Holly and Foaly know."

"They're fairies."

"Yeah...you need to read the books on me. My parents kind of know about fairies, due to a deranged Pixie, as I said, long story."

"Whatever," said the doctor. "The point is your parents will understand. Artemis, I need to talk to you. Don't interrupt. Don't even move. Sit down."

Artemis, for the first time in his life, did _exactly_ what he was told.

"Artemis; the only way-as far as I can see-to beat the midnight creatures is to confuse it. Unfortunately we are both genius's, so the creature would just pick whoever talks the most, but I'm a time lord with a TARDIS; with me it could spread around the universe. The only way to beat it is to use a Chameleon Arch."

If it had been the right circumstances, Artemis would have made a comment like, "I'm guessing that that means changing something, to disguise it and make it seem different to the outside world."

Artemis remained silent, after all, unveiling a time lord wasn't like unveiling a fake mayor.

"What it does," continued the doctor. "Is rewrites every cell in your body, you become a time lord. Unfortunately, you will be a different person. It will create a false history for you. Artemis Fowl will temporally be nothing but a floating consciousness."

Artemis was gob smacked, but not literally because Holly wasn't there. "So…you what?"

"You'll be back before you know it, won't even feel like ten seconds."

"Yeah," laughed Artemis. "More like three days."

"What?"

"Nothing, just a joke. Not that good. But it reminds me of the good times I've had with Hol," said Artemis. "Then again, I say fun…but there was only really one fun time, and that evolved a bad tempered Gorilla…"

"Artemis, snap out of it." Said the doctor.

"Right, yeah, of course. Do you do this every day? You're worse than me."

"Weeelll, I travel to the corners of the universe, the danger and monsters are just the price of travelling. Then again, I say corners, but the universe doesn't really have corners, it's more a circle. I travel to the slightly curved edges of the universe."

"Yeah. Doctor, what are we doing stalling like this?"

"I don't know, you were doing it." The doctor paused. "Are you scared?"

"Me, Artemis Fowl the second, scared? Not in a million years."

The doctor lowered the Chameleon Arch, and Artemis thought, _oh God, what am I doing? I'm effectively giving away my life. I'm going to die; I haven't been to space, I haven't even been close to a human girl. I haven't eaten all the stinkworm dishes. I might never see Holly again. I'd die without saying goodbye to one of my __**only **__friends._

Whist Artemis thought this the doctor was placing the Chameleon Arch on Artemis's head. It was on. No turning back.

"Ready?" asked the doctor.

"No," said Artemis.

"Are you OK?"

"No! Of course I'm not! Just get on with it!" snapped Artemis.

"Fine," muttered the doctor, "Just think of something good."

Artemis did try: _Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb. He failed over two thousand times to make it. When asked 'how did it feel to fail?' he said, 'I didn't fail, I found out two thousand ways how not to make a light bulb. The light bulb in my parent's room blew last week. God, I want my mam, and my dad. No! Happy thoughts. Jayjay, he was really cute. Everyone called him a monkey. A gorilla is a type of monkey, I and holly were in that gorilla cage. I wish I had holly to hold my hand. _

The doctor started the Arch up.

_**PAIN!!!!!!!**_

"**HOLLY!!!**" screamed Artemis. One last image flashed to his head of him and holly together. It slowly slipped away from him as his consciousness slipped away from him. And the ring worked its magic…

**Fowl manor, two weeks earlier. Artemis's study.**

A window seemed to open itself and close itself. Artemis swung around on his chair.

"Captain Short, I presume. Why don't you stop vibrating and settle into the visible spectrum?"

"Observant little mud boy aren't you? I got you a present. Nothing special, but I found it and thought of you."

She placed a small object in his hand. A ring.

"Holly, I thought the man was supposed to give the woman a ring." said Artemis.

Holly punched his arm.

"Ow."

"Well you disserved it. Anyway, do you like it?"

"Yes, Holly, it's great." he said, slipping the ring on his finger.


	3. Chapter 3: The Arster

**Chapter 3.**

**A/N:** **Hello. Thanks to those who reviewed. Please review this chapter. No pressure, but I do know where you live. And I know Butler. **

**Disclaimer: I DO own Artemis Fowl…I wish…**

Artemis stumbled out of the Chameleon Arch, screaming. Artemis spoke,

"The drumming, the drumming the never ending drumming! Get it out of my head!"

"No," said the doctor. "No; not midnight creature _and_ a psychopath/sociopath/enemy! Oh come on, that's just not fair!" he cried.

Artemis stood up, his mismatched eyes darting. He turned to the doctor, feeling strong and I'm back ha ha-ish. Then he realized he was five foot six.

"What? No, I don't want to be short," moaned Artemis/the master. He was the Arster.

"Artemis?" asked the doctor, both cautiously and hopefully.

"No, Doctor. I. Am. The. Master. Long time, no see." His voice stammered. "I'm—Doctor? Doctor, where are you? It's Artemis."

"What the frond?" said the doctor. (He was going native).

"What?" said the master/Artemis.

"Oh no," said the doctor. "You've got both personalities fighting for control. You aren't strong enough. You're an Artemis master thing,"

"The Arster."

"Well at least the name Arster takes care of you're personality description, removing the last T and R of course." The doctor said.

It took the Arster forty-three seconds to get the insult.

"Saukerl," said the Arster.

"Arsloch," said the doctor.

"How very dare you! That is very rude! Now why am I on the TARDIS?"

"We're on Midnight."

"Don't you mean: it's midnight?"

"The planet! How are you…? It's impossible."

"Not impossible. Artemis was wearing my ring, and by the looks of things you changed him into a time lord. Are you really that lonely?"

The doctor grunted and rolled his eyes. "I will tell you if you promise to just sit down and listen to me for once in your life; and don't try anything…"

The Arster listened, fidgeting and passing comments; mostly about the first time the doctor was on Midnight, and how he would have brought order by force.

The Arster looked at the doctor, "So this boy, Artemis, dragged the TARDIS to his back garden. There's a creature we can't defeat, which is in the Quantum Zombies. And you want me to help you defeat it. As in, allies?" he said in disgust.

"If you don't, we'll both die. The ring will survive but no one will ever find it so you'll die. Swallow you're pride and do it."

"Doctor we haven't been civil to each other for nearly nine-hundred years."

"You want to take over the world, but you can't do that if you don't help me. Please, I'm begging you."

"Whereas that does make me happy, I have to decline. It's very hard for me to do so, but you know what it's like when you want to keep up your evil suborn reputation."

"I really wouldn't. But think about it; no one will be here to see you, hence your reputation won't be ruined."

"Doctor I rea—"

The TARDIS started to violently shake; the doctor and the Arster were thrown on the floor, in crawling position.

"What did you do?" asked the doctor, angrily.

"Nothing!" the TARDIS sparked and bits of the piping came undone. "Why is it when something goes wrong you assume it's me?"

The doctor looked at him wide-eyed.

"OK, you have a point doctor."

The doctor jumped up and started franticly pressing buttons at random. The time rotator was going up and down. The TARDIS was disappearing _without_ the time lords.

The TARDIS was semi see-through; N˚1 was still on the outside.

"No! No! No! No!" yelled the doctor, bashing the TARDIS.

"Is that how you treat the TARDIS? No wonder I beat you every time."

"Once!"

"I still beat you."

"Shut up, Arster!"

The TARDIS was going see-through.

"I can't stop it! Why is she leaving us, well _ me,_ behind?"

"Hey!"

"What are you moaning about? Paradox machine?"

"Good point. It doesn't mean we can't be friends!"

The doctor sighed, while hitting the TARDIS with a hammer, "So why can't we!"

"Stop hitting it!"

"Her!"

"_Her _then! Just be nice to _her_!"

"Oh—you want me to rub its tummy and give it a treat!"

The TARDIS disappeared.

**Fowl manor, the garden ****.**

"Actually there is a stinkworm, I got some fried in my salad for lunch." said grub.

Mulch had burrowed underground by this time. Coincidently, Mulch was right below them. He could have that money. He wouldn't make it back to Haven in time, but he had a plan. Who said the Hollycopter was just for fairies that could fly?

He dived down, taking in mouthfuls of soil, and swerved round. This could break a dwarfs jaw.

Achieved. Best dwarf in the business. Now for the act to begin. He sped up towards the surface. He climbed out of the ground.

"Morning," he said to some confused LEP officers.

He strolled up to the door, and, ignoring the LEP, knocked.

It was a officer who answered the door.

"Where's Artemis?" said Mulch, normally as possible.

"Errrr…." said the officer.

"I've come to see him," said Mulch.

"Errrr….."

"Could you stop repeating yourself and get him?"

"Errrr…"

"Oh for God's sake," sighed Mulch.

"Mulch?" said a voice from behind.

Mulch swung around. "Foaly! Why under the Earth are the LEP here?"

"What are _you _doing here?"

"Coming to see Artemis of course," said Mulch.

"Oh…you don't know, do you?" Foaly explained what had happened.

"If there's a lock," said Mulch, "Mulch Diggems can get into it."

"So can Mo Digance and Lance Digger." commented Holly, who had come over with an ice pack on her chest.

"Holly, what's wrong?"

"Japanese Octopus heart breakage thing," she groaned.

"Right," said Mulch. "What?"

"Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy," said Foaly.

"Forget it," said Mulch. "But Foaly, does this mean Artemis found the doctor before you?" The dwarf grinned.

"We have bigger problems Mulch." Said Foaly. "Can you get into the TARDIS?"

Mulch walked over to the TARDIS.

"Wow," said Mulch. "It took me all of five minutes to get in," he said.

"That's bad?" asked Holly.

"An Elf wouldn't understand."

Officers went into the TARDIS, to search it. The ones who had never been prepped for the bigness of the TARDIS gasped.

Half an hour later, most came out.

"Well?" asked Foaly.

"No, I don't _think_ they're in there. But how can anyone search a TARDIS? It's like…big," said one.

"Hang on," said Foaly. "You're missing someone."

"Who?" asked an officer.

"Grub," they all sighed.

"Of course," said Foaly, "Who else."

Holly interrupted, "Are you sure Arty's not there?"

"Yes. But look on the bright side, we can go swimming _and_ read at the same time!"

Holly punched his face. He got a nosebleed.

"I thought you liked swimming," he said, unhelpfully.

"SHUT UP!!" said Holly, "All I want is Arty safe, back!"

"I've got signal!" yelled Foaly.

"What?" said holly like a kid in a candy store.

"Calling Artemis."

**Midnight, present.**

The first thing the doctor and the Arster expected was Nº1 to attack. He didn't.

"OK," said the doctor.

"OK,"

"They aren't attacking."

"They aren't attacking."

Artemis's phone rang.

The Arster picked it up. Video phone. Nice.

"Artemis!" exclaimed the girl on the screen. "Oh, Arty! I'm so glad to see you! Are you OK?"

"You are…?"

"Holly, Artemis, it's me."

"I'm not Artemis, fairy."

**A/N:** **the Arster joke, it took my friend three hours to get it. ****. REVIEW! (Please, I really want reviews, I even want criticism to improve it). **


	4. Chapter 4  Jack is back!

**A/N: **** Sorry about the late update! I hope this makes up for it! But I really hope *cracks knuckles* you will **_**REVIEW**_

**Chapter 4—Jack is back!**

"W-what?" asked holly, nearly bursting into tears.

"You're telling me," said the Arster, "I don't have a clue what's going on, I mean—Holly! It's you Holly! The doctor's turning me into a time lord, I'm scared holly. Where are you?"

"Artemis…" said Holly numbly. "That's you…but…"

The doctor snatched the phone and explained everything.

"We can get you back…" said holly.

"Good idea," said the Arster. "The sooner we get back, the sooner I can go for world domination."

Holly burst into tears. "Artemis, please come back to me…I forgive you for lying to me. I forgive you for everything you've done. I'm glad we kissed."

"Me too, Holly. Thank you for helping." said the Artemis side of the Arster, and then the Arster said. "He's gone. That Artemis boy left at his own will, happily. Because of what you said? God, some emotions are plan stupid."

"What like pity, hope, love, passion, friendship that kinda stuff?" said the doctor, angry. "Holly," he added. "I'm sorry, but we'll get Artemis back, OK? I promise on my hearts."

"Uh-huh." said holly, her chest hurting.

The doctor hung up.

"What a fuss over someone you have a crush on." The Arster said.

The doctor pressed a few buttons on the phone. The Teletubbies started playing.

"Ooo!" said the Arster, snatching the phone. "Got any jellie babies?"

"No! Jellie babies are gross! I like jellie beans!"

"Babies are better!"

"Beans!"

"BABIES!"

"BEANS!"  
They argued for several minutes, not realising the Quantum Zombies were saying it at the same time.

"BEANS!" shouted the doctor, hearing another voice say it at the same time.

"Oh no." he and the Quantum Zombie said.

"Uh-oh." said the Arster at the same time as another Quantum Zombie.

"Don't talk." The doctor and a Zombie said.

The Arster nodded, sat down, and started watching the Teletubbies again.

The doctor sighed. What had he got into?

**Fowl Manor, outside the TARDIS. **

Grub had been found, and Holly was sobbing.

"But Arty..." she choked. "He...he..."

Foaly rode himself over. "Holly we're getting a visit from torchwood. We can get them back and Artemis too."

"OK." said Holly, glumly.

It took an hour for Torchwood to get there. Captain Jack got off the Helicopter first. He went straight to Holly.

"Hello." He said. "Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood."

"Captain Holly Short, LEP."

"So, you're an Elf." Jack said, uncomfortably. He had never had a woman introduce herself as another Captain. Usually it was 'Ooo, really? What an important man you must be.'

"Is that the best pick up you can think of? That's worse than the worm-do line."

"Yeah..." Jack wondered off.

Jack unloaded the boxes and put them on the ground, making sure the girls saw his muscles. It was only then he noticed there was no girls, and he had just looked stupid in front of the entire LEP.

He went red and several officers sniggered, "That's better than Foaly's wife."

Foaly rode himself over, "Cap'in Jack, we're still on for next week I hope?"

"Yep, I'll gladly be your living target practice Foaly ol' chum."

**Midnight**

The doctor was running, fast, and trying to text in a space suit whilst adjusting to sonic to get signal. Not as easy as it sounds.

**Fowl Manor**

Foaly got a text:

Thngs nt right. Bck in 2 wks tll Jack op X. The Master is Arty– Doctor

PS: Holly hs 2 B de 1.

"Jack," said Foaly. "Doctor says Operation X. Does that mean anything to you 'cause Tosh defences are still up and running and I haven't cracked the Torchwood files..." Foaly tailed off at seeing Jack's white as a sheet face and shocked expression.

"Jack, what's up?" He asked.

"Jack tell me," interrupted Holly sensing trouble. "Is Artemis in danger?"

"Oh no. Oh, no. Are you sure he said that?" Foaly said, reading the text.

"Yes." Said Jack, his voice hadn't been so squeaky since high school.

"What is it?" said Gwen rushing over concerned.

"X" Jacks voice was a whisper.

"Operation X! No!" Gwen said.

"WHAT THE D'ARVIT'S OPERATION X?' shouted holly.

Jack muttered something, which no one could hear, and so did Gwen, and Foaly, all one after the other.

"Stop being such cowpògs and tell be what's going on. I may have calamari chest but I can still punch!"

Gwen creased her brow, "Calamari chest?"

"Don't get into it." Warned Foaly, "You'll loose your way out."

"Project X Foaly, don't make me get my 2B."

"Project X…is how…how to…how…how to kill…a time lord." Foaly said, his hands unconsciously moving up.

"You're going to kill the Doctor?" Holly said, horrified.

"Someone else tells her." said jack.

"Me?" Foaly said. "I don't have the heart to."

"Don't look at me!" Gwen said.

Grub, the tactless one, strolled over, and, noticing Jack's, Gwen's and Foaly's grim faces, he asked: "What's the matter?"

Jack let him read the text.

"You have to shoot Artemis? How could you? Surely you aren't allowing this Holly?"

"That's our problem solved, now she knows and _we_ didn't have to tell her." said Gwen, glumly.

"Wha-what?" gasped Holly, tears bursting from her eyes. "But surely…"

Jack found his voice, "There's nothin' we can do, Holly. I'm sorry, Gods know I'm sorry. But it's Artemis or the world."

_Artemis Fowl__or the world_, thought Holly, _surely I shouldn't_ have _to make that choice_.

"This changes everything," said Foaly. "That means...Holy, I'm sorry but you aren't pulling Artemis back any more."

"Why?"

"Because then you'd be a Holly/Master hybrid. I won't allow it." Foaly shook his head. "And at worse we'll have to kill all three."

"But Artemis's consciousness isn't there." Gwen said.

"_Yes _but he was inside the Master's brain, do I need to say more?"

"What?" said Gwen.

"It seems you do." Jack said.

Foaly sighed. "Surely even the most stable mind inside his would go mad, and Artemis...he's not perfect."

"Oh..." said Gwen. What was there to say? Sorry Holly, Artemis is as good as dead, have a hug?

"We can get Arty back, right?" Holly asked.

"Let's get started," said jack. "We'll need a lot of training."

Holly burst into tears.

**Midnight.**

The Doctor, against all his instincts, was watching the tellitubbies with the Master. It wasn't half bad, really, the Doctor liked Po. It wasn't that much of a vice from the monsters but it would do.

The Doctor made sure the volume was up on full. It had better work...

"Uh-oh!" said LaLa, at the same time as a Quantum Zombie. YES!

"Big hug." said tinky-winky, and so did a Zombie.

"Awww!" said Po and so did a Zombie.

"Aww, friends!" said Dipsy; and again a Zombie did.

A few mintues later the tellitubbies, at a probability of 1649360653:1 all collapsed and repeated the Zombies.

"UH-OH!" shouted all the Zombies. It was the most intelligent thing they could say.

The Master's face went the angriest it had ever been, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE TELLITUBBIES?"

**A/N: ****Well? Will you REVIEW? No pressure *cracks knuckles again *. **


	5. Chapter 5: Inferred maniac loonies

**No1 HP fan- **Hiya Bethany (I think…(random cheese(shaving peanuts is VERY good for you))) I haven't seen you in forever! We must hang out! +++meep+cucumbererror+please+++reboot+universe+++

**Silvermoon of Forestclan- **I wouldn't, it's for the best. You're brain could explode with the madness.

**Valkyrie-ShapeShifter666- **That name is a mouthful. I think it was the best too, then again I'm the author. I'm glad you liked it so much so I'm making THIS CHAPTER EXTRA LONG! Yay. ^.^

**Mere reflection- ** thank you very much, here it is….**insert Beethoven's fifth symphony**

**Chapter 5 - **

**Fowl manor gardens**

Training was nothing more than Captain Jack running around the garden and the LEP running after him trying to shoot him.

"All my blooming technology and hard work and this is Jack's high-tech training? I've seen stinkworms with more sense and dignity. Where's his? Running around the garden with a big target on his back. Pathetic. He'll run around naked in a public place next." Foaly moaned to Holly after calming her down.

Holly punched him in the arm. "Well I always said the LEP should employ more females, they're much more sensible. And better shooters. Apart from Corporal Frond, she's just an airhead."

Someone shot Jack.

"YYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!" they shouted, doing a dance. "I DID IT! I DID IT; I DID IT, I-I-I DID IT!"

"And they're more mature and don't gloat as much." Holly said, rolling her eyes.

A LEP officer came over, and said. "We're going to call the doctor again, to ask him how to work one of Artemis's inventions. We need to take it apart to get them back."

"And you're telling this to us why?" said Foaly.

"The girl. Sensitive, ain't they? Girls get all emotional. She needs a man to help her. Plus this technology must be a bit hard to understand. But don't get me wrong; girls are brilliant at the physics of make-up. But this is real man stuff. Girly here needs help." The officer said. Foaly braced himself for Holly's rampage.

Holly, instead of shouting, just turned around and sweetly said,

"Thank you so much, Officer! I'm glad you could help. But may I suggest one thing? Maybe you should try to, you know that wirery thing. Oh yes, that's what it is." Holly switched back to her normal voice. "Open the casing using an omni tool and then take the 6YU wire and sub loop it. Then remove the main circuit board and take away the 45I wire and the 90OIK wire and then re-loop them up into a circuit and attach it to the TARDIS and then your done." She went back to a sweet voice. "I _think_ that's it, officer. But little girly me wouldn't know. And one more thing…Don't underestimate girls, you cowpòg."

"Second stage of training," shouted Jack getting up. "Time Lord Biology."

There was a synchronised groan from the LEP.

"They look like humans there not that different!" Grub shouted.

"Does a human have two hearts?" Jack asked.

"Yes." the rest of the LEP replied slightly confused.

Jack slapped his own forehead. "OK, back to basics. Let's all sing! You're foot bones connected to your, ankle bone! You're ankle bone's connected to you're shin bone!"

"No it isn't!" shouted Grub.

"Shut up Grub and just do the dance!" Trouble shouted. "You're making a fool of yourself by getting the dance wrong!" he added.

"You're making a fool of yourself by knowing it!"

**Midnight.**

The doctor was used to the master's rage, but he was defiantly surprised at the murderous streak in his enemy's eyes when the Teletubbies collapsed.

"I…" said the doctor.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"Look, I got rid of the quantum zombies, OK? I saved us." The doctor said.

"You sacrificed the Teletubbies to do it!" moaned The Arster.

"What's more important, Ass—sorry, Arster?" The doctor said. "Getting back to Earth to dominate it, or watching Po and LaLa hug for the twentieth time?"

They suddenly both noticed Nº1 was now hovering off the ground.

"Nº1?" asked the doctor.

Silence.

"Nº1?'

"If he didn't answer the first time he won't answer a second time." said the Arster.

"Yes Doctor?" Nº1 replied.

"That shut me up." said the Arster.

"Finally, _something_ that can!" celebrated the doctor.

The Arster folded his arms. "That was too mean."

"Nº1, are you still in there?" asked the doctor.

"No, Nº1 is gone. I stole his mind."

"Ah. OK. Good to know. By the way, if you stole his mind, are you a midnight creature?"

"_The_ midnight creature," corrected Nº1, "These are my children. My army."

"I have an idea!" shouted the Arster, "Why don't we realise the laser DNA cannons!"

"A fine plan, Arster, with only two minor floors. One: We don't have any laser DNA cannons. Two: We don't have any laser DNA cannons. Where as I realise that is the same point I just felt it was such a big point it was worth mentioning twice."

"Well that puts a cramp in a pretty damn fine plan," sighed the Arster. "I know—!"

"We all have things to bring to this convocation, Arster, but now I suggest the thing you bring is silence." The doctor said, impatiently, "Nº1, what do you want? What are you?"

Nº1 grinned a beyond evil grin, something which was jaw dropping. Nº1, doing an evil grin? That would be like, let us say, Opal Koboi giving her chocolate truffles to Artemis. Willingly. It is just against nature.

"That's not right," said the doctor. "So you're the midnight creature – whatever you are – and you have taken the greatest warlock's body. Are you trying to get to Earth?"

"The Time Lords get it!" applauded Nº1, "No wonder they call you geniuses."

"He's going on my hit list," snarled the Arster. The doctor, for once, did not object.

"Alright, alright, Nº1 or who/whatever you are," the doctor said, striding forwards with his hands in his pockets. "You can mock me but I'm not the one planning to invade the Earth with an army of Teletubbies, am I?" The doctor was right by Nº1's face, to watch it sink.

"I would seriously pay to see that," commented the Arster, about as usefully as Holly is in Artemis and Minerva's convocations on Science.

**Meanwhile, somewhere very far away…**

'I do hope that our machine is working perfectly,' said a pretty woman, red lipped, blonde haired and looked a lot like a Barbie.

'Of course,' snapped an older woman, her hair was tied back in a tight bun and her wrinkles were badly hidden by make-up that may have been applied by a blind fool. Her voice was as shrieky and tight and clipped as her hair.

'Good, I do hope you will insure nothing goes wrong. I must have the doctor this time! I—'

'_We_.'

'—came so close to having him!'

'Do you suggest we send in more presents for him?' asked ol' wrinkly. 'We already made sure Holly found the ring. We have our creatures of Midnight, and since they were unable last time we have sent in the master. What about our pixie friend?'

'No!' snapped Barbie. 'She's too…extreme. Honestly, I swear you do not own a brain. The Doctor is alone enough; it is the LEP we must stop. They will drag the doctor back, and look at all the reinforcement there! What can we do to stop them?'

'We could put a virus in there guns!'

'Something at bit more sophisticated than that,' snapped Barbie girl.

Make-up-applied-by-blind-person was not happy at that. 'What do _you_ suggest, almighty genius?'

'We bug the guns.'

'I see how that's better,' murmured Ms Wrinklealot.

Dolly girl looked pleased with herself, 'Yes, I think I'll send a . Perfect. It has the best effect on fairy weapons.'

'And what would that be?' asked Wrinklebadmakeup2000, as if she did not know. She was only saying it to shut her sister up.

'Wait and see my beautily challenged sister,' she smiled, 'Wait and see.'

**Haven**

"Hi Lili!" smiled a passer by on the street, Lili waved and looked at them, which coursed her to walk into a Dwarf, which was the passer by's plan. It coursed the dwarf to pass wind.

"Oh my gosh I'm so sorry!" she said. The Dwarf burped and moved on. Lili also continued to the police plaza. When she got into Vinyàya's office, she sat down and said,

"You wanted to see me, Vinyàya?"

"Ah, Lili. I trust you know of the recent Time Lord affair, do you?"

"Yes," replied Lili, slowly. "Although I hardly call it recent, commander, Gallifrey exploded a long time ago."

Vinyàya managed to keep her patience, as one would with a small child who didn't understand, "Well yes, Lili, Gallifrey did explode a long time ago,"

Lili smiled.

"But what I'm talking about is the Artemis affair. The 'Artemis Fowl and the Time Lord!' happening, as reporters have called it. Did you not watch the news?"

"My TV's broken, commander, soory. I called for someone to fix it but I forgot what day/time I told them to come."

"OK…what does soory mean?"

"So sorry."

"Oooohh, OK. What I wanted to say is congratulations. You have been promoted to LEPrecon."

"Really? I'm now a leprechaun?"

"Lili, that's not how you say it. It's L-E-P reckon." said vinyàya through slightly gritted teeth.

"Oh, of course; I knew that honest! I can't believe I'm a—" she paused to sound the words out slowly, "—L-E-P reckon."

Vinyàya opened her mouth to say 'no, I was just sounding it out; you don't have to Lili' but then decided against a three-hour session explaining to Lili what she meant.

Vinyàya just wanted to get Lili 'airhead' Frond out of her office. After awarding Frond her acorns Vinyàya told her to go to Fowl manor. Vinyàya also sent a secret spy to follow her, to make sure the new captain knew where the shuttle port was and it hadn't blown out of her head during the past three seconds. Yes, it was harsh to say that, but face it: Lili Frond. It had taken her years to realise you only need your first and second name on the nametag. When they _finally_ got through to Lili, she forgot what they had spent the last five hours explaining the next morning.

"Let's face it," Vinyàya had complained to other officers whilst trying to get them to help her explain to Lili about her nametag. "I wouldn't be seen recycled with a nametag that said 'Raine Dawn Princess Ruth Vinyàya'."

So, clueless and over perky, Captain Frond got to the shuttle port with acorns (Vinyàya had spent considerable time explain to Lili that these acorns were just called acorns because of there shape, not because they were the silver coated acorns you get in candy stores) and a nametag that said Lili Bethany Frond.

**Fowl manor.**

After the song of the bones which grub found surprisingly fun, Captain Jack Harkness announced,

"Back to the original subject, then. Now—"

"Captain Jack!" called an officer.

"What? Don't interrupt me."

"Can we do the song again at the end of the lesson? Please?"

Jack smacked his own forehead. "You're telling me you passed the LEP intelligence test? They must be easier than GCSEs."

Jack walked away to Foaly and Holly.

"Foaly, not one of your officers is suited to shoot…you know." He said.

"Someone has to." Foaly said.

"Why do they have to, Foaly?" Holly asked, "Why do they have to?"

"Artemis or the world, Holly, we have no choice. Gods know I don't want to do this,

either. It's something we can't control."

"No! It's not Artemis or the World because Artemis _is_ my world!" Holly outburst.

It is of course well known that careless talk costs lives, but the full scale of the

problem is not always appreciated. For instance, at the very moment Holly Short

called out, "No! It's not Artemis or the World because Artemis _is_ my world", a freak

wormhole opened up in the time-space continuum and carried her words far, far into

the future and deep in space. Coincidently and through no planed incident at all, the

words landed on the planet were ugly and pretty were controlling the midnight

creatures.

**Very far away, again…**

"No! It's not Artemis or the world because Artemis _is_ my world!"

'Julia, what was that?' asked the ugly woman.

'It sounded like a young girl, Constance.' replied the beautiful Julia.

Constance sighed, 'I heard it too, you know. I may be old, Julia, but

not deaf. Track it.'

'I give the orders here, not you,' barked Julia, 'I think I shall track

it.'

'How do you come up with these ideas, Julia, you must be a genius.'

'I know,' said Julia, smugly, 'Hm, here we go. An elf, over-emotional

little worms. Nothing of interest…hang on, what's this? Oh my Gods!

Constance, there is a team of fairies trying to stop the master and

my precious midnight creatures!'

'Our midnight creatures!'

'Whatever. What shall we send to them or send them to to dispose

of these pests?' asked Julia.

'Well—'

'I've got it! Planet of the Infer-red maniac loonies!' cried Julia,

triumphantly, 'We'll zap them there, they will never survive!'

'Brilliant,' sighed Constance.

**Fowl Manor.**

Foaly would have said something reassuring to Holly, had it not been for the sound like crashing thunder. The next thing Holly knew was hat she, Foaly and Captain Jack were standing in the middle of a huge rock covered in moss.

"Look at it," breathed Foaly, "This rock must go on for miles."

"Er…Foaly, I don't think it's a rock…it's a dwarf planet." said Holly.

"I don't personally care where we are as long as the wind stops! It's killing my hair!" said Jack.

"What happened?" shouted Holly over the wind.

"Why would we know?" shouted Jack and Foaly in unison.

"I don't know why you would know so don't ask me because I don't know!"

"OK, now I don't know who knows what." Jack said.

"She knows that she doesn't know why would she know so don't ask her she doesn't know." explained Foaly.

"What?" asked Holly.

"He knows you know that you don't know 'cause why would you know so he knows you don't know and I now know who knows what even though I know nothing."

Holly smacked her own forehead. "I'm stuck with complete fools."

"Let's get our bearings before we panic." said Foaly.

"Look! People!" shouted Jack.

Hundreds of people walked straight up to them, they looked human except they had another set of eyes underneath were yours would be (providing you are human).

"Hello, my name is—"

All of the people gasped.

It is useful and important to note that the universe is big. In this particular race 'hello my name is' is the biggest insult ever.

All of the people looked angrily at Holly and company.

"Holly, what did you—"

The people let out a roar and held weapons in the sky.

"Run!" shouted Foaly.

**A/N: ****Another evil cliffie, I know, but do you not know me yet? Oh well, hope this makes you guys happy. ^.^ **

**I will update chapter six sooner the more reviews I get. (evil laugh).**

**Note for Bethany/editor: **** I didn't stick to the plot, I know, but I had a better idea. Muhahahaha! **


	6. Chapter 6: For Frond's sake!

**A/N:**** I'm SO SORRY about the late update! I CAN'T APOLLOGISE ENOUGH! Still, enjoy the next chapter and please review so I know if it's good. **

"Where?" Holly shouted back.

"Anywhere!" shouted Foaly, then they all ran away into the darkness. The people chased them.

"What happened?" asked Jack.

"I don't know," shouted Foaly, "But maybe next time Artemis makes a midnight call to you, Holly, tell him to go to bed or do it himself! Honestly, what were you expecting him to say?" He switched to a romantic voice. "_Oh Holly, I just had to tell you I love you more than life itself, I couldn't sleep another night without you! Stay with me forever and we will have hybrid children!_"

Holly screamed, and clutched her chest.

"Well done, centaur, brilliant to add to the chesty love thing." Jack said.

"Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy!"

"I'm fine," barked Holly.

Just as she said that they all fell down a rather large hole.

Foaly was first to land and Jack and Holly only just missed his hoofs.

"Ooowwww," they all groaned, but they heard the people run straight passed them.

"Well at least that's one problem solved." said Foaly, standing up.

"Personally Ithink there is too many problems to be reassured by that," said Jack, also standing up and then helping Holly up.

"Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan!" Foaly sighed. "Honestly, am I the only person who isn't a pessimist?"

"Pessimist?" fumed Holly, "Excuse me, I have whatever squidy thing chest virus and Artemis will die. We are on a planet of madmen trying to kill us, and I sprained my ankle. I have every right to want to kill you."

"Children please!" Jack shouted.

"Sorry," said the fairies in unison.

"Now, Foaly, you're clever. What happened?" Jack asked.

"I don't know."

"OK, where are we?"

"I don't know."

"Who are these people?"

"I don't know."

"How did we get here?"

"I don't know."

"What is this planet?"

"I don't know."

"How do we get off this planet."

"I…don't know."

"How do we get out of this hole?"

"I don't—"

"Oh for God's sakes'!" Holly exclaimed, "Foaly doesn't know any more than you or I!"

"Is she always this angry? She has a lot of rage for such a small person." Jack said. Holly's reaction is mostly censored due to disturbing imagery, but basically the next thing he said was 'AAARRRRRGHHHH!'.

Once Jack had recovered from Holly's verbal – and physical – outburst, he whimpered, 'Sorry.'

"Guys!" Foaly shouted, "Whilst you were arguing, I found a secret tunnel."

"Does anyone else feel that this is too easy? Like everything is going for us." Holly mused.

Jack and Foaly shot her daggers.

"I was just thinking aloud!" Holly said, "Anyway, you were thinking it I'm just saying it."

The centaur and immortal ignored her and went through the tunnel. Jack was on all fours, as the tunnel was fairy-sized. Holly, working on what the LEP had told her, observed her surroundings and took note of them. She still wish Artemis was with them, though, he would have spotted something no one else would have. He was like Sherlock Homes – only better and would have gotten out a microscope to examine the dent in the soot.

After a long trek going through tunnels that alternated between hot and cold like some mad scientist had found a way to fuse a freezer and an oven together and planted it underground. Yes, someone very mad indeed…

**Underground….Sort of….**

"Frond? Launching in—'

"Please, call me Lili. We are all equal."

It's a shame Lili took the time to be over nice, because he was going to say 'in three seconds'. Lili was jettisoned up, steering a titanium egg wondering what she said to offend him.

However, she never made it to the surface. Half-way up, her 'egg' was zapped and transferred far across space. Lili was not stupid enough _yet_ to not notice, but she _was_ stupid enough to say, "I think we have moved."

She was in a rocky rough tunnel, occasionally scrapping the top of the tunnel – making the tunnels above very hot.

**In a small tunnel….**

"OW! It just got hot again. Seriously, we've been wondering for ages!" Jack groaned.

A intense shaking filled the tunnel. They all screamed, clutching the walls for life. Rock exploded in there faces, and boulders were hurtled metres in the air. Once nearly everything had collapsed and the dust had cleared, Holly called out,

"Jack? Foaly?"

"Alive." Called Jack, "Actually I was crushed but you get it."

"D'Arvit," swore Foaly.

"What's that supposed to mean? She needs to know if you are OK." Jack said.

"No, no, that means he is fine."

The three of them scrambled to find each other. It wasn't long until they found the cause of the problem.

"What?" Foaly said. Coincidently it was the best impression of the doctor he would _ever_ do.

A gasping elf stepped out of the titanium egg.

Holly refrained herself from screaming. _Why_ did this _always_ happen to her? This was the last thing she needed – or wanted.

"What?" coughed the Elvin girl, Lili Frond.

Foaly nearly hyperventilated. His titanium eggs! On this mad planet! With Lili inside! And Lili had acorns! It was all too much…

Lili stood, and said, "Where am I? Holly! Did my shuttle go off coarse?"

The very sound of her voice was nails on chalk board for Holly, and she didn't wish to have any further convocation with Lili so she just said everything:

"We are on a planet far away with hostile people who want to kill us whilst Arty—" Holly spotted her mistake, "—mis is turned into a psychopathic Time Lord and stranded on the planet Midnight. What are you doing here?"

"Vinyàya sent me to help," said Lili, still confused by Holly's statement.

A thunderous rumble rang threw the tunnels and shook the ground. At first only dust fell, and then it got worse….

**A/N:**** DON'T KILL ME! Please review. If I get more reviews (no Bethany, don't even think it!) I'll update sooner! **

**P.S: It is useful to note Bethany is my editor. **


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